o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
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It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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