Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just googled if crying burns calories
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update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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