im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's rum buckets o'clock
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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