I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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