advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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