I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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