I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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