I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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