drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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