It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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