your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Alive.
So much puke
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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