You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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