he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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