i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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