this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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