god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize