You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize