I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
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Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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