i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize