Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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