Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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