My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
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Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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