nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize