I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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