Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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