he wants to bone in the snuggie
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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