I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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