Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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