Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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