that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize