I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
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I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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