I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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