I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize