I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So many bounce houses so little time
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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