Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
We got so high we made milksteak
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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