she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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