when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize