so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
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She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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