when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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