When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize