I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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