Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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