My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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