just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
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UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize