sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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