you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
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The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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