i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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