how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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