woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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