Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
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Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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